We doubt, criticise and compare ourselves as humans. We allow for the rumination of insecurities to consume us and affect our daily lives. Limiting our self-expression and individuality. Why do we, in a modern society, still deem the concept of being insecure as so detrimental to us? We don't want to be the insecure girlfriend, the insecure boyfriend, the insecure person. But when are we really not that?
What are insecurities?
The definition of insecurities shows that of uncertainty and a lack of confidence. If we were to sit there at our most insecure, would we criticise ourselves so harshly if we just said "I have low self-confidence right now"? Insecurities to me always seemed like the one thing I wanted to avoid. I never wanted to be the insecure girlfriend or even be known as being insecure. I over extended myself past my limits trying to reach an unattainable goal of being secure, whilst pushing down all my uncertainties and areas where I no longer was as confident. I always remember trying to be so 'sure of myself' in high school that when people told me "everyone is insecure" my automatic response was "well not everyone is!". Not reflecting on my doubts and moments of not feeling enough.
Why do we hold so much shame about insecurities?
Shame is defined as a "painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behaviour". This most likely resonates with a lot of people, the feeling of utter embarrassment because of something we did, said or felt. I've always felt shame whenever I've felt insecure. Holding shame very close to me because I never wanted to be that person. But what's actually so wrong with being insecure?
Insecurities are mainly worsened through a lack of acceptance. So with the world telling us to always be strong, depending on how we define being weak, this could lead to us hiding our insecurities. Keeping them in the shadows. But with hiding them, we find them lingering and showing up in places we least expect them. As stated earlier insecurities are merely a lack of confidence. To me, that never seems as daunting as the word "insecure". With seeing it for what it is, it's easier to move forward. But with moving forward and experiencing that acceptance, we must deal with the feelings of shame that cause us to hide such feelings.
What is shame?
Brene Brown is a researcher found on many social media platforms for the promotion of vulnerability whilst exploring the realms of shame. She discusses shame and calls it "the swamp land of the soul" with its purpose not to be a home but to walk through and find our way around. She described shame as that thing that tells you you're not enough, that all the bad things that happen to you in life are why you're not good enough, showing the critic in this world to 99% of the time to be us. Shame is a focus on self. Shame is "sorry I am a mistake". Expression of shame for women is to be this unattainable conflicting, competing expectation of who we need to be, whilst for men it's "do not be seen as weak". Describing shame to be an epidemic, Brene Brown states that we can't shift shame with silence, secrecy and judgement but we can kill it with empathy.
Self-empathy:
It's easier to get empathy from others than it is ourselves majority of the time. Self-empathy. How easy is that? For us to truly delve into the world of accepting the shame we hold for our insecurities, we need to be able to have self-empathy. An article describes self-empathy as the ability to observe yourself and what is happening, with openness and suspended judgement. The ability to observe without judgement can be very hard, but not impossible. With self-empathy it requires you to speak to yourself like you would your best friend, forgiving yourself for yesterday, today and tomorrow and putting up with the turbulence of feelings.
Self-empathy, shame and insecurity are things I've massively struggled with. Rewarding myself for not having certain negative thoughts for an extensive amount of time, not bringing up my worries and fears to my boyfriend for a prolonged amount of time and then beating myself up when I have a bad day, an insecure week. I've found myself losing my ability to have compassion and empathy for others when I forget to remain empathetic towards myself, vulnerable, and feel through the shame. Once we accept that insecurities aren't actually what's wrong with us but what's wrong with the world, we'll be able to take a few more steps towards ridding of the shame. The shame is merely there as a result of feeling like others will see us differently, deem us as weak, but our biggest advantage in life is being vulnerable, being honest and advocating for a place where everyone is their most authentic.
Being unsure of ourselves is a part of the process, the only way we can grow into our self-confidence is by having a lower confidence to begin with. Not many people are born into their security, but it is found within themselves. We can try to search and find our inclusivity and acceptance in the people around us. But no matter how accepted anyone else tells us we are, if we've spoke to ourselves like the enemy, we won't ever believe it. Accept the insecurity. Walk through the shame. Feel it all and watch as it slowly dissipates. The world at times is unrealistic and unhelpful, but with feeling through the hard times and accepting our differences, no longer conforming, we can truly live an all-purposeful life.
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