Toxicity can be found in everyone, with little behaviours we develop throughout life. Some are aware of this and some are unaware of this, but in the society we live in today, we can find ourselves getting lost in the word "toxic" and undermining poor behaviours in our prevalent relationships with people. We put up with the bad for too long, excuse peoples poor behaviour and allow ourselves to slowly but surely become exhausted. Does this society permit such toxic behaviours as "normal" and how do we find that fine line between healthy and unhealthy?
What is a toxic relationship?
If people were to define toxicity within a relationship, they would usually define the known "domestic violence", "abuse", "harm", "name-calling" etc... These all come under the umbrella term of "unhealthy relationship" but what else is there that we may not be aware of?
"A toxic relationship is one that makes you feel unsupported, misunderstood, demeaned, or attacked. A relationship is toxic when your well-being is threatened in some way—emotionally, psychologically, and even physically."
This definition used by verywell mind, perfectly describes what a toxic relationship is. It's not just the extremities of an unhealthy relationship. But it is also the underlying problems we tend to brush off about our partners, leaving us unsatisfied and overall miserable. I have dismissed my own behaviour in my relationships where I've not been the most understanding, respectful partner. We can find ourselves losing our integrity within our actions based off our upset or hurt. But do we ever hold ourselves accountable to the actions that we wouldn't accept? Are we the ideal of what we want or are we just hyper vigilant on how we should be treated.
It can be hard to sometimes define what is "disrespect". what is "demanding", what is "holding secrets". However, it really should be a discussion had within relationships. What makes you feel disrespected, what makes you feel like I'm holding secrets etc.. Life isn't a written rule book and no relationship will be one in the same but in order to be in a healthy one we must be able to adapt to the differences that other people want. Without question or hesitation, whilst ensuring that the recipient is also doing the same back to you.
Judgement can however be swayed through emotional blackmail or gaslighting. Many people are now familiar with the term gaslighting, as you may have seen it everywhere. Through many occasions it has been used incorrectly, so within a relationship it's good to be able to identify those types of moments. Gaslighting should be seen as when someone makes you question your reality. This can be through telling you that you didn't say this, you didn't mention this, you can't possibly feel that way etc... Being gaslit by someone is merely the experience of being told your reality is fake. Additionally emotional blackmailing can be used too. This involves using their own emotions to make you feel bad. Examples of this are "You've now made me do this" "because of you I now feel this way" "If you do this, I'll feel like this" "Thanks for causing this in my life". It is the exchange of your behaviour and my emotions.
These problems can hinder us to appropriately judge a situation and make a clear judgement. From my own experience, if you see this in all of your conflicts with a person, it is time to consider the ability for this relationship to be healthy and thrive.
How has society allowed these behaviours to continue?
Sadly, we can see through tiktoks, instagram posts, tweets and many more social media posts promoting the toxic behaviours such as, "being dismissive" "ignorant" "having no feelings" "can't trust people anymore" but at the point in which we are choosing to engage in a relationship with a person, we cannot spend our time excusing our behaviours because this person did that and that person did this. Soon enough, we need to do and be better. I have seen on a multitude of platforms people calling themselves "toxic" thinking its funny, creating a trend of poor behaviour towards the most impressionable people. I have mainly seen women laugh off their shit behaviours and people allow them to do it without consequence or being called out. With that being said, things need to change. Call our friends out on their bullshit, tell our partner we're unhappy, point out bad behaviours because sometimes it may not affect you, but it does deeply affect someone else.
Sadly in life I have seen some of my closest friends hurt due to toxic behaviours and also watched myself crumble through the same type of toxicity. But we need to learn to be better, want to be better or at least try to create better. We can leave our feelings to ourselves for so long before anger starts to take over and resentment brews. Toxicity isn't something we should see as often as we do within this day and age, we believe to be more "woke" than the last few generations. But I repeatedly see the same if worse behaviours remain to be prevalent in this society. We can't change people but we can at least make them aware and that's what is important. Reflect on our own behaviour and understand that if it hurt you, that's okay. But no one is the victim, persecutor or the hero. We are just humans living a human experience. As soon as we start to put ourselves in the victim, persecutor or the hero state, it means that we put the other in one of the other two. That is also unhealthy behaviour. So lets make a difference and BE BETTER. ACTUALLY BETTER.
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Absolutely 💯. Well written and informative. I would like to see a longer piece on this as I think there is much to be discussed on this topic. Such as what is toxic and what is heathy in a relationship. How can we change our behaviours? Brilliant piece though, really enjoyed reading this.